Monday, December 10, 2007

Finding a Balance

Several weeks ago I wrote a blog entitled, “Relinquishing Responsibility.” Today, I looked up antonyms for the word “relinquish,” because I’ve gone and taken on another responsibility, and that’s what this blog was going to be about. But after I thought about it, I wasn’t entirely happy about the idea of rescinding my responsibility relinquishment (say that 3 times). And, honestly, I don’t feel like this is a case of “one or the other.”

More and more, I’m finding that decisions I make don’t have to be all or nothing. They don’t have to be categorized, and sometimes they can’t. For me, it all has to do with finding that thing or things I’m meant to do – using the abilities I’m meant to use, because I know, at least for me, that doing those two things will make me happy and enrich the lives of others.

GOD (!), this all sounds so cheesy and new-agey and unlike me. It’s so hard for me to surrender any sort of control. I’ve always held the belief that you can do whatever you want if you set your mind to it. And I still agree with that 100%, but I’m also seeing in my own life that doing certain things that I “want” to do is often easier if I’m already being drawn near them. And, to me, I’m thinking this “drawing near” is the “fate” or “destiny” aspect that I’ve denied ever existed for my entire life. Does this mean I can’t do something, anything, if it’s against my “destiny”? I don’t think so, but I do think the path I take to accomplishing my goal may be harder. Then again, it may not be. Perhaps I’m just realizing I’m the type of person who likes to help others and all this, including the above thought process, is bullshit.

In any event, I’m just now toying w/the idea that there’s an innate nature in life where things – all things – want to turn out right (and good and positive), and if you take advantage of that you may find yourself doing something that makes you happier and really makes an impact on others (perpetuating the rightness).

Lately, I’ve been giving up responsibilities. Are these all dead-end paths? Not necessarily, because they’re part of who I have been and have helped shape who I am at this present moment in time. I guess I’m seeing things kind of like a monkey swinging through the forest (we just got an HD TV and The Smithsonian Channel which is all apes all the time, so bear with me). I’m making my way to my destination, but as I’m doing it I’m grabbing a bunch of different vines and branches to get me there. Maybe my being Treasurer (and captain and other things) was one of those branches. It’s helping me get where I need to go. I can’t just say those things I did were mistakes, because they weren’t. I also can’t say that relinquishing those responsibilities was a mistake, because it wasn’t. If I hadn’t done so, I wouldn’t have room or time in my life to grow into other things.

Last week I accepted the opportunity to head a Sponsorship sub-committee for WFTDA. And I know it’s the right thing to do – even though it’s going to suck up my free time. I know it’s right, because I’m happy about it. Every time I step back and watch roller derby grow, I get the feeling I have now, just having accepted this job. I’m astounded by the snowball effect derby has had on the world in the past 5 years. I feel like by helping out in this small way on this sub-committee that I’m doing something so right and good for women everywhere. I know it’s going to be hard, and I know I’m not going to have all the answers, but I know it’s going to be worth it. And I’ll find a balance to make it work.

1 comment:

Mercy Less said...

The derby world at large doesn't know yet how grateful they should all be that you've made room in your life for this, but I do! Your impact on this community is far - reaching in many invisible ways, and I am so thrilled that you're pitching in to help support the undergirding and mechanics of something the entire community at large will feel the impact of soon! You are amazing, and I can't thank you enough for stepping up and accepting the challenge, so that we can grow even more! -xxxoooMercy Less, Duke City Derby