Friday, December 14, 2007

Missing: IUD, Reward: $1,000

As if my last blog post wasn’t random enough, today it’s TMI time, and we’re going there with my lady parts.

This week has been a complete bitch. It started out awesome with CCRG All Stars beating Minnesota’s league by 4 points last weekend (bragging rights earned!), but it quickly went to shit. It’s been gray here in Baltimore since I don’t know when. I swear to God I haven’t seen the sun in over a month (even though it’s likely only been a week or two). It’s the same fucking color outside from the time you wake up until the time the sun goes down: gray, which adequately sets the mood for the rest of my week.

On Tuesday I had my annual GYN exam. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t rack up the anxiety over the GYN like I use to. You have to do it, and it’s not really that bad – just uncomfortable for a few minutes. Well, on Tuesday I find out that my IUD has gone “missing,” and as I’m imagining a picture of it on the side of a milk carton, I’m beginning to wonder where the fuck it could have gone. Maybe it went on vacation? Took a trip to the Bahamas, visited Anna Nicole’s grave, got a tan…

Missing? What the fuck? Apparently IUDs can migrate (like birds, no less) out of one’s uterus and chill out in one’s abdomen. Sweeeeeet. So, an appointment had to be made with the radiology clinic to have an ultrasound. More on that in a few.

Now, you may be asking yourself what an IUD is and why I have one. Well, it all goes back to my being a big girl (doesn’t it always?). Birth control pills make my blood pressure skyrocket (something bad for us big girls), so I was taken off of them 2 years ago and told now may be a good time to start having kids. Only, I don’t want to have kids. The doctors were baffled. Why? Everyone wants to have kids. Nope. Not me. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids, but I don’t want one of my own. I’m a selfish bitch with life goals that quite frankly don’t involve my having children, so why should I have them? Oh, right, because I can’t be on the pill anymore and am allergic to latex. Oh, doctors. Lucky for them (ha!), I wasn’t giving up there. They were going to find me a birth control method I could use, hence the IUD.

In the wonderful US-of-A, docs here don’t like to give IUDs to women who haven’t had children, whereas IUDs are the main form of birth control for women in many European countries and in South America. I suspect it’s because your uterus has to be a certain size to accommodate an IUD, and it’s just easier to deny them to women who haven’t stretched out their uteri (is that plural of uterus?) by having children than to perform the 10-minute (albeit very uncomfortable) measurement of a virgin uterus with a metal rod. In the end, my doc agreed to get me one, measured said uterus with metal rod, and inserted the ParaGuard copper IUD.

Really, having the IUD has been great. There’s nothing to take daily or weekly, and no pre-sex prep, which is nice – if I want to do it in the bathroom at the after party with my skates on, I can. (Ha! I couldn’t resist giving you all that evil image.) Better yet, since the IUD is hormone free, my sex drive came back… BIG TIME. It was great, because I hadn’t even realized it had left. Getting it back was a big bonus. So, really, things have been great. We’ve been one big happy family: me, J (bf), our dog, and my IUD, until the Amber Alert went out for the IUD on Tuesday.

This morning was the ultrasound. Great, piece of cake. Had the wand on my tummy – could make something out. Seemed promising. Then I was told the “first part of the ultrasound” was over.

“What’s the second part?” I asked, knowing full well what it was. Fuck.

It was 7am, I still had to go to work and sit here for 8 hours (soon to be in a puddle of KY), and the last thing I wanted was a non-latex condom-covered probe up my hoo-ha… for 20 minutes. This is bad karma for something. What did I do to deserve this? There was no saying “no” though. The probe had already bought me dinner and a movie, so I had to put out.

Luckily, the IUD appeared. It is in fact inside my uterus and not taking a holiday in the Bahamas (whew!) – the string just got sucked up. So now I’m wondering how they’re eventually going to get it out. It’s no Bahama cruise, but it will be a fishing trip. Luckily, the IUD is still good for 8 years, so I have enough time to anticipate that joyful moment of removal.

It’s Friday. I have 3 hours left at work. My panties are full of KY, and I’m wondering how long it will be before the probe from this morning calls. I’m not holding my breath though. I don’t really want to go out with him again anyway.

8 comments:

Betty Beatdown said...

Probes...they're all the same. Assholes.

Megan said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you're PANTIES are filled with KY but at least your IUD has reappeared!

Meghan said...

FUN! I got a Mirena IUD several years ago. I discovered it had disappeared when I got pregnant. They think mine fell out, since it's not in my abdomen anywhere. Although how I could have failed to notice it 'falling out' is a mystery. It hurts so damn much going in, you'd think I know when it came out. I chose not to stay pregnant, and I have a new IUD which I'm checking for much more frequently.

Seriously, do they need to use half a tube of KY? It's not like the probe is particularly well hung.

reet said...

now i'm really freaked out about the iud. i knew they went missing, but i've had enough probin' for the past year! sheesh! at least she didn't probe your asshole!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this -- haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Hoping my follow-up X-Ray tomorrow will confirm that my IUD has simply absconded with my money and will not be heard from again.

Anonymous said...

Reading this cheered me up.
I got the ultrasound and the Amber Alert is still active for my IUD. I'm going to get a Xray and I'm hoping the IUD booked it without me noticing. And that I'm not pregnant.

AichJay said...

omg.. I LOVED this!!

My body decided that it wanted to make my IUD ONE with my body..

bastard. THAT removal sucked donkey balls for sure.

I'm so glad I have found your posts, form a long time ago!!

AichJay said...

o
m
h

Last year? or the year before, my IUD decided that it wanted to become ONE with it's universe.. which meant my body.

THAT really sucked.

however, I LOVE your explanation of the Ultrasounds. then trying to get all the crap off you and you're walking out and..OOPS! "here's some more for good measure!"

blech.