Friday, December 21, 2007

Shopping, Food and Excess

Ok, ok, I’ve been slacking on the blog posts this week. Christmas preparations have gotten me in such a tizzy that I’m all out of sorts. I’ve been trying to be really mindful lately – remember that there’s more to life than “things,” but being in frantic Christmas mode has made me revert right back to my ingrained capitalistic materialistic ways. Will I ever be able to break my addictions to shopping, food, and excess? Certainly not at this time of the year. It’s like being a coke addict in the middle of a Columbian block party.

I was doing so well. I had a handle on my food intake and exercise. I felt I was making changes. Now? I’m still exercising quite a bit, but I have succumbed to holiday treats (and non-holiday treats in the midst of an almost daily downward spiral), and I feel out of control!

Endurance practice on Wednesday night was a wake up call. I felt better after having done those 3 hours of endurance than I have since before Thanksgiving. Prior to practice that day, I ate nothing but cookies. It started with a few tiny oatmeal lace cookies but then turned into my eating part of a cookie cake with icing on top (there were parts without icing, but hell, if you’re gonna do it, do it right, right? Ugh). From there my coworker brought me a box of treats: brownies, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, lemon cookies – I ate them all by the end of the work day. I was so sick. I came home and ate salad for dinner, my penance, and reluctantly went to practice (did you know “hair shirt” is a synonym for “penance”?).

As I’m on the floor stretching, I feel something keeping me from the fullest extent of my stretch: my stomach. Eek! I was shocked. I haven’t felt (or seen) that in a while. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Well, all I could do was bust my ass that night, which I did. My ass and knees are still sore, but it feels good. Is all this hard work I’ve done worth blowing for some lemon bars, cheesecake, cookies, cake, chocolate, sushi, steak, Chinese food, and alcohol? No. Yet I still do it. Why?

I could blame “the holidays” (as I do above) or our culture (as I also do above), but I have to think that I’m stronger than that. I must, or I’ll never improve as a person. Still, self control is a long hard road, and I feel as if I’m walking on it barefoot with blisters. I made a promise to myself several blog posts ago that this upcoming year was my year to excel at derby, and I won’t get there if I can’t get my shit together. I must get my shit together.

From this point on I’m not going to stress out about Christmas. If my house isn’t perfectly clean for our team holiday party tomorrow, then so be it. As for food, I have to act like this is any other day – and take it one day at a time. Same with exercise – I need to keep up with it, so I won’t be sucking air at practice in January. I need to commit to do core-strengthening exercises every day for 10 minutes – that’s not so long. And, finally, I need to take time for myself – quiet time where I’m not just vegging out to E!, but instead, sitting alone in a quiet place so I can gather my thoughts.

What really matters is not getting the perfect gifts or giving them. It’s not eating a shit-ton to “celebrate.” It’s not making yourself so frantic that you paralyze yourself. What does matter is respecting and enjoying yourself and others, making meaningful connections with people you love and new people you’ve just met, and I don’t need sugary foods or sparkly presents to act as my security blanket.

1 comment:

Megan said...

a coke addict in the middle of a columbian block party.......genuis!