Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Embracing my Ass

My ass has been called many names over the years. “Bubble-butt” and “ba-dunk-a-dunk” are among the most creative, while “enormous” or “huge” have been used by the less ingenious. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my ass. For instance, its size bodes well for booty blocking in roller derby, and I almost never complain about “my butt hurting” after sitting on a wooden chair or other non-cushioned surface. Yet, I hate that I have to buy pants one or more sizes bigger than my bottom would otherwise need if it weren’t for my ass.

Lately, however, I’ve began to enjoy my biggest asset. The days of “too much booty in the pants” are passing, and I’m finally beginning to embrace my ass. It all started one day in August when I made a trip to Marshall’s, looking for something to wear on my birthday. I’m cheap as hell, so here I am picking through the racks, looking at dress after dress after dress. They’re all either too tight in the bust or the ass, made of material that has absolutely no stretch to it. Then I came upon what I now call my “booty dress.”

“It’s way too short,” I thought. “And it tapers back in at the bottom! No way. Too much ass.”

But, for lack of anything else, I tried it on anyway. It was a far stretch from my usual A-lines and other cuts that distract from the sheer size of the trunk overstuffed with my junk, but to my surprise I looked kind of hot! Now, I’m NEVER one to show my ass, let alone my legs. No matter my size, I have thunder thighs. But, I decided I could get away with it, short or not, and I bought the dress – the best $20 I’ve ever spent.

I’ve worn it twice since my birthday – once to a coworker’s party and also to a party this past New Year’s Eve. The feedback after my coworker’s party was amazing. Everyone was commenting on my ass, which would normally make me self conscious, but these comments were all positive! Shit, I stuck it out even further after my friend’s husband ask me to model the dress for him, as embarrassing as that exchange was. Even J heard about my ass than night. “I can see you’ve got your hands full with her,” one man said to him. I love a good double entendre.

Okay. Maybe that night was a fluke. Maybe unbeknownst to me I somehow dropped 20 pounds that day, and the party goers were actually seeing a much smaller, svelter ass. Maybe they all took ecstasy before the party. Maybe they were hallucinating.

Then came our annual Charm City Roller Girls end-of-year Banquet this past Saturday. I love derby parties because everyone who attends dresses so wild. I’m usually a stick in the mud. I show up wearing pretty but tame outfits, but because of the recent ass feedback, I decided to go all out. My best friend, Betty Beatdown, comes to my house so we can go to the banquet together. She’s wearing a “nice” outfit with a low-cut shirt, pants, and heels. Whatever, I surely won’t be the only ridiculously dressed one there. WRONG. We walk in the door, and everyone is wearing nice semiformal clothes – dresses and suits. Then there’s me. Did I mention I was emceeing the awards on stage that night? Holy crap.

I take off my winter coat and instantly feel exposed. I’m wearing a black spandex slip/slimmer-type thing with fishnets, green legwarmers, and four-and-a-half inch heels. Hahahahha! Well, the best I can do at this point is to hold my head high, and pretend I don’t feel nearly as awkward as I actually do. I can do this.

Then the comments came. My wife, Flo Shizzle, said I looked hot. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so naked! Then Steaknife, one of our refs, asked me what I do exercise wise to get such a great ass. She even said I made her stop mid sentence when I bent over on stage.

“I know I shouldn’t be looking at Cindy’s ass like that, but damn!”

All this focus on my rump has certainly boosted my self esteem, especially in an area that I was lacking it so much. Perhaps it would have been better if I had embraced my ass on my own terms, and not because of what others think or say, but I don’t really care what the vehicle was that has allowed me to come to terms with and enjoy my big ass. I’m just happy I can now consider my ass a great asset!

Alass, no good ass pix yet, but here's a fun one of us dancing at the Ottobar after the banquet. I'm in the green necklace and leg warmers. Photo courtesy of Rebel Yellow.

1 comment:

Betty Beatdown said...

Truthfully, you rock everything that you wear. Your self-confidence is like an awesome accessory that ties your whole look together.