Friday, February 15, 2008

The Cheeseburger Waged Biochemical Warfare

I’m proud to announce my return to life outside my bedroom and bathroom, and I’m even prouder to announce my first semi-solid poo since last Friday. I seriously don’t know if I’ve ever been more sick in my entire life. It went down like this:

Last Saturday Charm City Roller Girls were manning a booth at the Baltimore Tattoo Convention, selling some merch and spreading the word about our upcoming bout on February 17. It was packed. Betty Beatdown and I spent our time going back and forth from the booth to a party on the 12th floor with cheap beer and a lot of skinheads (the good kind, though – both beer and skinheads). J and GT were also there, and they were loading up on the cheap beer. We waited and waited for Murphy’s Law to hit the stage (and by “stage” I mean meeting room in the Sheraton), but by the time they went on we were beat and just wanted to go home. I had forgotten to take money out of an ATM, so I hadn’t eaten in hours. J was 1-and-a-half sheets to the wind, so I recommended we stop off at the diner by our house for some food.

J got his usual: eggs Benedict. I threw my diet out the window and ordered a vanilla milkshake, cheeseburger, and fries. It was delicious. We came home after that and went to bed.

3am rolls around, and I wake up because I’m having a dream that I’m nauseated, only I really am nauseated. Thinking it must be the cheap beer, I try and suppress it. I suppressed it for 30 minutes, and then all bets were off.

As I told the doctor when she asked me what came first, the vomit or the diarrhea, I told her “both.”

“No,” she said, “which one came first?”

“They came at the same time,” I said.

“Impossible,” she says, “which came first?”

“Well, if you want me to be explicit, on my first heave I also shit my pants – so both.”

The vomiting subsided several hours later. Like J said, it looked like I had been punched in both eyes – I had burst all the blood vessels surrounding them.

The diarrhea is another story completely. For 4 days, I was going every 15 minutes. And it was pure liquid. And I still have no idea where it was coming from. I lost 10lbs in 2 days (have gained them all back, than-you-very-much!).

It was during this cycle of nap, shit, nap, shit, nap, shit that I realized what a busy life I lead. I always knew I “did a lot,” but I wouldn’t have said my life was “fast-paced” in any way, shape, or form. I’ve now come to the conclusion that it is. I have over 500 unread e-mails. I received about 20 panicked phone calls/voicemails and numerous text messages. On top of that, some of you fucks actually contacted me just to ask “why isn’t your blog up?” (I kid, by calling you “fucks” – I’m actually super flattered that you like the blog enough to ask. I’m a nerd.)

So, here I am. Tired and sore, but happy to be on the outside of the bathroom door. I can never in good faith go back to that diner again, which really sucks because we go there nearly every weekend for breakfast, and a part of me thinks J will go without me instead of finding a substitute, because I honestly think it’s his favorite restaurant. Even sadder, I cannot so much as imagine a cheeseburger, let alone look at or eat one. I hate you, cheeseburger.

1 comment:

Megan said...

A diner on Route 40.....should have been a clue......hidden in there somewhere.....perhaps route 40?