Friday, February 1, 2008

The Gods Must Be Crazy (Or Just Hate Me)

I’m so excited for our mini expo bout tonight at Saint Francis Academy, but I’m beginning to think the universe is conspiring against me.

I have 3 sore and sensitive to-the-touch ingrown hairs in my right armpit – the armpit that faces the audience. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, except our uniform tees aren’t actually tees, as we expected, but actually black wife beaters. I started messing with the ingrown hairs last night when I noticed them, and now they’re all red and swollen and still ingrown. I blame it on the Tom’s Natural Deodorant I’ve been using lately. Although “natural,” I think that stuff contains boric acid – boric acid is naturally occurring, right? It tears my pits up and sometimes makes them burn. This morning I switched back to my deodorant stone, but it’s too late. The damage is done, and it appears that I have prepubescent acne in my armpit – the one that faces the audience. Did I mention we’re at a high school? It’s like being a freshman all over again.

Two nights ago at practice I developed the first real blister I’ve ever gotten as a result of skating. Yes, I’m probably due for one, since I’ve been skating for 3 years. Most people get them each time they get new skates and sometimes just because. Some people have chronic blisters. This is my first one, and I’m being a baby about it – it’s on the instep of my right foot, and it hurts like a mother. I’ve had other weird foot happenings due to roller derby. My right big toenail has fallen off twice from two incidences of severe impact – one with a wall during “dodge ball” and one with a bizarre collision in which I was nailed by a plate or skate wheel during a pile up. Additionally, both toes that reside next to their pinky-toe neighbors have had inexplicable simultaneous injuries where the nail splits in half horizontally in the middle of the nail. Even though it sounds weird and disgusting, it doesn’t hurt. The blister I have hurts – have I mentioned that?

Ah, painkillers. Thanks to my lady bit issues, I’ve been taking painkillers on and off for several days. They really are a godsend, because at times the pain can make me double over, but we all know the wrath that painkillers have on a GI system, and I’m suffering that wrath currently. I could really use a BM. Really. I used to be obsessed with following this blog ring of self-proclaimed anorexics and bulimics. Really, it was just a bunch of 14-year-olds who wanted to be anorexic. The funniest entry I ever read was a post by this girl who had been obsessing about looking thin for a pool party that was coming up. Finally, the day arrived and she still felt fat even though she had eaten nothing but strawberries for an entire week and completed 300 crunches a day, so she decided to take laxatives. She admitted on her blog that the party was at 2pm that afternoon and she popped twice the dose at 9am. Bad, bad, bad, I thought. She was surely going to have much bigger problems than not looking thin enough in her yellow bikini – there would surely be a code Brown in the pool. Although I haven’t followed this blog ring for years, I can say that I have learned something from it, and this is that I cannot do anything about my current GI situation until after the bout.

Still, I am resolving to put my setbacks behind me and kick ass tonight! You see, Dutchess of Torque is on my team, and she’s never won a bout – ever. Not in the regular season, not in mixed-team bouts, and not at expo bouts. Dutchess, I’m doing this for you, lady. We will rise up!

1 comment:

Betty Beatdown said...

Eat an apple and drink a few cups of strong coffee, followed by a cigarette. That always works for me!

Not for the blister though. For that, maybe try moleskin?