Friday, February 8, 2008

Hamming It Up!

I received an e-mail from Betty Beatdown yesterday that was entitled “BAD ASS” and contained a link to the following (extremely unflattering) picture of myself from the Expo bout last Friday (which we won):

I actually remembered the headline as “HOLY SHIT” instead of “BAD ASS,” thinking it made perfect sense, because holy shit, look at my ham-hock thighs! Receiving this photo was not unlike a slap in the face, however it was more accurately like a full-body slam into a brick wall. I’ve been feeling good about myself lately, and I had no idea…

Indeed, if I had any idea that my legs looked like that, I certainly would not have worn booty shorts and tights. After viewing this photo, I think I need to go back to leggings, as they better disguise the ripple effect and the sheer size of the ham hocks that support my brick house.

My thighs have been my nemesis since I was 11-years-old. I’ve always hated shorts and bathing suits, because my legs were so exposed. I remember my 1st pair of gym shorts being too tight at the largest size they offered when I was in the 6th grade (and I wore I size 7/8 then!). The navy blue polyester would make my legs itch and my thighs chafe.

I always played a lot of sports, but I hated the uniforms. I would pull the shorts down as low as they could respectfully go on my hips, and I’d fidget to ensure they were back “in place” after I kicked the ball or made the shot. In fact, I think I single-handedly invented the look of wearing your pants so low that your underwear is the only thing covering your ass, so you’d better be sure you’re sans skidmarks that day. Okay, perhaps that’s going a little far, but you get my point.

Since doing derby, I’ve done a 180 on my perception of shorts, since shorts are the most comfortable bottoms for me to skate in. There’s no extra fabric getting in my way, covering my kneepads, or blowing up in my face as I scramble to get up from a fall. I like shorts, I wear them all the time, and I somehow thought that derby had “firmed things up,” which I now know is not the case.

It has become quite obvious that I’ve been lying to myself. What has caused me to do this? Is it my self-esteem’s defense mechanism? Because no matter how hard on myself I am, I still had no idea things were this bad. How was I able to fool myself?

I think I have reverse image issues. You know how anorexics see themselves as fat even if their bones are protruding? Well, somehow I have the opposite of that and think I look much thinner than I actually am. I seriously don’t see this when I look in the mirror.

Perhaps this is a bizarre side effect of constantly looking for the good in other people – I can no longer see an accurate image of myself. Or perhaps I’m just mental.

Well, at least I can laugh at myself, and I suppose it’s better to be cheeky than leggy anyhow – right?

Thanks to Global Glenn, the very talented photographer who took the photos, for letting me use them here and doctor them to include the ham. Thanks also to my coworker, Megan, for helping me turn my legs into ham hocks and my midsection into a brick house.


Megan said...

Despite the fact that this was a truly hysterical blog (loved the pics), I think this is a classic case of it's just a bad picture of you. Nothing more. But lordy-lord you is a funny lady!

Megan said...

ok...ok...Dude I just noticed the chiumney...fuckin' genius work. give megan a pat on the back!

Anonymous said...

I still think you are missing the focal point of the photo, which is not the size of your thighs, but the fact that you are about to lay a massive, text-book perfect, block! That's why I sent the photo!

Photos are weird...nobody ever really looks like they actually do anyway. I'm not just saying that.

Plus, look at you in this one:

Totally different. I'm not just blowing smoke up your me, you are not a Ham Hocked Brick House. But I do really like the chimney sticking out of your helmet. Keep that.

Meghan said...

You make a damn sexy Ham-House.

Aly_Sylum said...

I think I have the reverse body image thing too!