Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Luck & Destiny

This year I’m turning the big 3-0, and to celebrate my girls and I are taking it on the road to Vegas. One of these ladies is my partner in crime, Betty Beatdown, who has requested that we get commemorative tattoos while we’re there. Of course! Who am I to turn down a commemorative tattoo? I have quite a few commemorative ones already: a strawberry from Toronto, a fingerstash and a broken off finger squirting blood with a fingerstash from Vegas, and last but not least, my home team logo and derby name from good old Bloodymore, Murderland. What should we get this time? I left it up to Betty, and she came up with a great piece of Sailor Jerry flash – a horseshoe with “luck” scrolled across it. I’m going to get one on the inside of each wrist, one saying “luck” and one saying “destiny” – the “luck” one on my right wrist, because that’s the one I shake hands with, and in some way I’ll also be wishing people luck when I do so. “Destiny” on my left wrist, because I don’t fully believe in luck – I think part of success in anything is making your own destiny, and the opportunity that can lead you to doing so can be luck, coincidence, or something else for which you’ve been searching.

I’ve had a journal or diary since I was 7 years old, but I didn’t start to consistently write in it until I was 11, at which time all the entries were about boys I was “destined” to be with. At that time I believed in true love, fate, and destiny, in its purest sense. I thought someone or something out there had predetermined what my life would be like, and all I’d have to do was wait for it to unfold.

Then the harsh reality of life as it really was hit me when I was 17, and I realized that there were no handouts, at least for me. For one, there was no college fund, which meant that if I wanted to go, I’d better figure it out myself, and fast. And I did. That was when I started believing that the only way you got what you wanted was by taking it, because no one else was going to waste the energy to help someone other than themselves. So, since then I’ve taken. I went to college, got a job, got a better job, and then an even better one. And then I got sick with the dream.

Being involved with the game of life is a bore – school, job, family, retirement, death. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I applied myself and fought for what I wanted at the time, and I learned a hell of a lot by going through the actions that let me accomplish my then goals, but I don’t really want to continue to follow the game board that 99% of the other people follow. I want to do something more. Perhaps by saying that I am following the same path as everyone else, but I think that by actually doing it I won’t.

Believing in fate and daydreaming of the perfect life and perfect happiness was easy. Going out into the world and taking what I wanted was hard. I’m currently considering a middle ground: I’ll do what I want and what I believe will make me happy, but I’ll follow the current and also be open to considering that maybe there’s a way I haven’t considered yet that would make me happier in practice, hence luck and destiny. I’ll make my own destiny, but I’ll also be open enough to take advantage of luck if it comes my way.

It’s strange how you change perceptions as you age. With any luck, I’ll continue to evolve into a person I’m happy being, I’ll have done everything I want, and I’ll be better for it. I guess only time will tell!

1 comment:

Megan said...

I can't fucking wait!!