Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Self Doubt Is A Good Thing

I got up and arrived to work at the butt crack of dawn today, so I can leave early to make my appointment with the Endocrinologist (the one who says “underpants”) this afternoon. Honestly, I’ve been freaking out a bit. I’m pretty much there for metabolism issues, and I know he’s going to weigh me, and I’m going to weigh more than I did this time last month, because of the wedding this weekend.

Then I think to myself, “Self, why do you care what this man thinks?”

And then someone else inside me answers, “Because he’s supposed to be helping you with this, and you’ve gone and fucked it up for him.”

I reply, “Yeah, but I’ll get back on track- it’s not a big deal.”

Which is followed by, “What if you don’t get back on track? What if you fall off the wagon? What if you gain 30lbs, are no longer able to keep up with derby, and the fresh meat become better than you?”


Aside from the voices in my head, I’m pretty sane. I’ve come a long way from always doubting myself and not believing in myself - that I can elicit positive change and health in my own body. I’ve owned it, and I’ve taken action to make what I once thought was a lost cause change for the better. Yet, every single time I “fuck up” either by eating something bad (read: eating a shitload bad) or missing my daily exercise or a derby practice (all 3 done in the last 4 days), I freak out and wonder if I’ll slide back downhill and ruin all my hard work up until this point.

In all honesty, if I heard this coming from someone else, I’d say that person was neurotic. So what if you aren’t perfect all the time? Yet, I hold myself to a higher standard, and ultimately breaking that unrealistic expectation of myself sends me into a panic and does increase my chances of saying “fuck it” and regressing.

The hardest thing for me when it comes to staying healthy is the ability to forgive myself, let it go, and just get back on track. Why is this such a problem?

I think this is why a lot of people fail at things. I may be smart enough to know that I can’t change my health overnight, but I’m also dumb enough to think I can be perfect in exercising the tasks I must do daily to achieve good health.

I guess the good news is that I am hearing voices, because this internal conflict is a step in the right direction for me, whereas in the past I wouldn’t even be hearing the voice of self doubt – I would already be off the wagon eating doughnuts in the gutter, never confronting the realization of the repercussions of my actions.

“I do say, self, you are a smarty pants, now aren’t you?”

“Why, yes, I am. Thank-you-very-much!”

1 comment:

Midlife Crashes said...

"Aside from the voices...I'm pretty sane." PRICELESS!