Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Why Can't I Control Time Itself?

Being injured sucks, there’s no two ways about it. I have an appointment with my orthopedist today at 3pm. In the meanwhile, it’s the waiting and not knowing how long before I’m no longer in pain and able to skate again that’s killing me.

Percocet is nice, but it makes me angry. I remember years back when I had my wisdom teeth removed – the Percocet and Oxycontin made me lash out at everyone around me, namely the people who were taking care of me: my mom and J. Just as it is now, I don’t WANT to be angry or frustrated, but I am. I’m ready to throw the keyboard against the wall, because I cannot type fast enough or accurate enough for my liking with my left hand. I’m at work, but I’ve had to put pretty much everything else I’m doing on hold.

I hate being on hold. It makes me paranoid. I’ve been really excited to be learning my new position as Pivot, and I’m scared as hell that in whatever amount of time I have to take off of skating my team will train someone else to play Pivot, and I will no longer have the chance to pivot when I return from my injury. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s also an honest reaction. I really care about my game play and new position, and I want to keep it and improve on it – not sit stagnant on the sidelines and be forgotten by my team. Inevitably, your team goes on without you, at least to some extent. They have to, and I don’t blame them for that, but it does make me sad.

And then there’s the “what if”s. What if this is the beginning of my continually dislocating my shoulder? What if that means I cannot play anymore? What if something is terribly wrong that the ER didn’t catch on Saturday? What if I cannot play in the next bout? The next two bouts? The next THREE?!?!

Back when I was a high school athlete, the closest I ever came to a situation like this was when I played tennis. I was a singles player (only the top 2 female players in our school played singles – everyone else played doubles), and my other teammates could “challenge” me for my position at any time, during any practice. They just had to let our coach know, and we played a game during practice time that would determine if I kept my spot or if I got bumped down to doubles. There was this one girl who always made excuses for why she wasn’t a singles player, and she always challenged me and always lost – always making more excuses as to why she lost. Well, this one time I came out of a match slightly injured – a muscle in my foot separated from the bone. Damned if she didn’t challenge me at the very next practice, hoping to exploit my injury.

In some ways, derby is a lot less cut throat than high school tennis was. In derby our coaches and captains are our fellow players, and over all I’d say that everyone wants to see everyone else succeed. At least on my team, Speed Regime, I can’t see anyone trying to usurp my pivot position or try to convince my captains that I’m a “bad” or “unworthy” player in general. We’re a chill team who loves and supports each other, yet even being on the best team ever, I get these panicked feelings relating to my injury. I suppose it’s only natural that our brains think along the lines of “survival of the fittest” – and recognize when we, ourselves, are certainly no longer the “fittest” when injured.

I won that challenge match in high school, even though I was injured. I can’t exactly ignore this shoulder injury and go back out on the rink and do the same, but I can keep myself prepped and poised for derby re-entry even while I’m injured. Instead of running, I can walk. I’ll keep a stricter handle on my food intake, since I won’t be getting as much exercise, and I’ll do everything the orthopedist tells me to. It’s time itself that’s my nemesis. Hopefully it will go quickly.


Anonymous said...

And never underestimate the power of physical therapy. It's lame, but it really works.

But you'll be fine after your visit today! Because I said so, and I am always right.

Flux Incapacitator said...

I can empathize completely. This broken wrist is driving me berzerk and I'm so antsy to skate again (T-minus 8 days) that I'm afraid my head will explode. I can't stand the fact that almost all the girls I made the league with are placed on teams and bouting while I'm on the sidelines, and to see them get better while I can't do anything but stagnate is killing me. But I think injuries make you hungrier. When you come back, you'll be even more ferocious and give 110% to make up for lost time. That's what I'm counting on anyway. My ass will be playing by the July bout, I swear! And you're going to be there with me, I know it!

SKabs said...

I hope yer shoulder heals up quickly!

rebel said...

is true. we lurve you, and we need you back!