Monday, June 9, 2008

More Complaining...

Okay, so today warrants two blogs, both of them involve me whining and complaining. Get over it. It’s not all peaches and unicorns all the time for anyone – not even big-assed rollergirls.

I’ve been having dreams with recurring themes that are quite upsetting and mimic my waking life. In these dreams I’m doing some sort of work—a job—and I’m good at it, but there’s always more to be done, which I don’t have the time to do, and this causes me to panic. Everyone’s relying on me, and although they are happy about what I have been able to accomplish, I feel like a failure because I feel as if I’m performing all the jobs half-assed. If I had more time, I could be more thorough. If I had more time, I could get much more done. If I had more time, I could do all those things that I see need to be done but no one else seems to take the initiative to do but me.

Why me? Why do I have to do these things? Why can’t I delegate?

In real life, I try to delegate, but even when I do, things just don’t seem to get done. And I have no recourse, because of course I’m talking about derby work, and none of us are getting paid, so really, me and everyone else should just be grateful for anything anyone does to help out, right?

Doing derby work is really rewarding—more than you can imagine. When I’m doing it, I’m also doing something I love for a cause I believe in. I’ve been told this is the type of work you want to have, and I agree, but right now I’m stuck in a time crunch between doing this thing I love and helping it sustain itself and get better and performing my paid job and another that gets me some extra money. And I feel so incredibly pathetic when I cannot do everything I want to do for derby right now.

I can feel my chest tightening as I type this. I’ve been having panic attacks each night before I fall asleep and even sometimes during the day when I’m taking an hour to myself to eat dinner and watch TV. Out of nowhere comes an intense feeling of panic and something right below my throat feels like it does a flip inside my body and scares the hell out of me. I could go get some Xanex, but I don’t think that’s the answer.

I need to learn to let things go. I need to realize that there’s a difference between what’s acceptable and what’s doable, and I need to celebrate my accomplishments that are within the doable realm and not beat myself up over that which is impossible right now. Of course, all of this is easier said than done.

Ahhh. It felt good just to get that out…


Tara Armov said...

I think every derby chick who lets derby take over her life goes through similiar "attacks".

Every few months I have to sit back, take a deep breath, and repeat to myself that everything will work itself out, and that I don't need to give myself a heart attack over any of it anytime soon.

Also, Job trumps Derby when push really comes to shove, because let's face it: Job pays the bills, Derby doesn't. That puts a perspective on things where I feel a little less guilty when I can't do some derby stuff, because it all comes down to practicality.

But I'm still derby-obsessed. It's a big slice of awesome.

supremookie said...

here here!

I knew I wasn't alone in these very same thoughts!