Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Agony of Defeat

Where to start, where to start…

Last night was going amazingly well. I went to scrimmage practice with the intent of only scrimmaging with my team and only doing so half-time. After my first jam, I said “screw it” and kept telling our bench coach and whomever was organizing the lineups to put me in more, not only with my team but in the mixed scrimmages as well.

It was awesome. I was doing great – mainly pivoting, but some outside blocking. Of course, we all have those jams where everything seems to fall apart, and I had one or two of them too, but I actually did quite well in the majority of the jams I was in. My shoulder wasn’t hurting, even though I couldn’t avoid some hits to it. I was feeling confident – maybe I could play in the bout on the 26th and maybe I could scrimmage at RollerCon!

Then, 15 minutes before the end of practice, I’m pivoting again – against Penalty’na, the player who I collided with in May to separate my shoulder. I’m standing at the line, and I say, “Damn, why do I always have to be up against you? You who injured my shoulder in the first place?” The whistle blows, we take two steps, each go for the initial hit on each other, and once again it’s that perfect storm. The hit caused me to separate my shoulder – my LEFT shoulder (my OTHER shoulder). FUCK.

I felt it immediately, like I did back in May, and I skated off the track and curled into a ball, down on my knees, huddled trying to brace the pain. I kept hearing, “Cindy, do you need help?” from the referees, but I couldn’t get any words out. Finally, I got out a “Yes,” and proceeded to cry like a baby.

Everything got quiet. It was only me crying echoing through the rink, and I was so embarrassed, but I couldn’t stop. Part of it was the physical pain, but another part of it was my utter despair that I was injured yet again, and my hopes of skating in the bout on the 26th and at RollerCon at the end of the month were shattered. I just want to skate so fucking bad.

My wife, Flo Shizzle, who’s also a nurse, came over and with the help of Buzz Kill, Mibbs, Lady Quebaum, Holly Gohardly, and Mr. Pistol got my arm into a sling and an icepack secured to the joint. They took off all my pads and my skates and made a plan to drive me and my car home, since my boyfriend, J, is across the country on a week-long work trip. I can’t thank them enough for their help (and telling me it was okay to cry).

To ad insult to injury, my orthopedist is on vacation this week and I have no pain meds left from the other shoulder injury. I did finally get an appointment with a colleague of his that’s set for tomorrow in the morning.

Everything will be fine in time, I know that, but the thought of not being able to play for at least another 2 months just makes me well-up with tears each time I think about it. This season that was suppose to be “my season” has turned into the worst possible season yet (for me personally). I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with my body that I’m so prone to this injury – I mean, it’s frustrating because it’s not like I did anything stupid.

“It’s just roller derby,” Flo said as she was driving me home. “It’s a dangerous sport and sometimes people just get hurt – not because they did anything wrong. It’s just a dangerous sport. You’re just unlucky in that you got hurt twice in a row.”

Indeed, I am.

9 comments:

Holly said...

aw, i'm really sorry that you have to deal with this again. I hope everything works out and that it's minor, hopefully no more than a couple times a week. When you feel comfortable you should do those PT shoulder exercises regularly. I'm sorry if I brought my curse to the SR!! We all have strings of bad luck, but when they're over they make us appreciate the things we love even more.

girlon8wheels said...

Awww.. I'm so sorry hon! I give you all of the credit for stepping up and trying to scrimmage again. Your wifey is right, you're just unlucky in the fact that you have become injured twice in a row now. Now that you have your injuries out of the way, hopefully you'll be skating injury free for quite a while.

NurseWretched0pt5mg_STAT said...

Cindy, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think I speak for everyone when I say we were all heartbroken last night because everyone loves you so much. You were playing great. I had to pivot a few times last night and when I wasn't playing, I was looking at YOU to try to figure out what to do! Please take good care of yourself so you can come back soon. YOU'RE MY HERO!!!

Frenz said...

I am so sorry! You were doing so well. What a fucking bummer.
I do think you're going to have a blast at Rollercon anyway.

DayGlo Divine said...

For what it's worth, you looked really good out there.

Jan said...

I send you virtual hugs, because a real one might cause you more hurt. I know this sucks, but hang in, T! You will heal fast and skate again soon, I know it.

Kari T. Ryder Wilkie said...

That really sucks! I have totally been there (actually I'm there right now) and I felt your pain all the way over here.

Megan said...

Damn! So sorry, that sucks. But maybe the ortho's colleague will say or do something your regular doc didn't that will help stop this from happening! Be positive, don't give up!!

steak knife said...

i second wretcheds hero comment. yourself and a few other awesome ladies are the reason i want to play again. get well lady!