Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ass in the City

I had to do a second post today to recount what just happened to me. Instead of doing my usual derby administrative-type work during my lunch, I decided to go to the gym. I packed some clothes last night: a tee, shirt, shoes, and shorts, because it’s hot. As soon as I start walking the 3 blocks to my gym, my shorts begin riding up into my crotch. You know, the fat girl shimmy that shorts tend to do on thick thighs? I was tugging ever few steps. I had to pass two outdoor cafes and numerous business people out on their lunch break.

“Hold you head high, and put your shoulders back” I told myself, “If you appear confident, the crotch-riding will be less noticeable.”

The gym finally is in sight. I cross the road and am 3 steps from the door when the man behind me says the following (read in a seductive voice – even the second part):

“Damn, you look good,” He said. “I’d love to kiss your ass.”


First, it’s good to know I didn’t look as bad as I thought I did.

Second, was he expecting a response? If so, what would that look like?

“Hey, there, I happen to have overheard that you’d like to kiss my ass. I was just heading into the gym on my lunch break, but your offer sounds way more enticing that 30 minutes on the treadmill. Good thing you caught me on my way in instead of on my way out, because I’m known to get a raging case of swamp ass, and I wouldn’t want this kind offer to be retracted. Is there somewhere we can go so that you may kiss my ass?”

Finally, in the course of a sentence, this man has challenged my every thought regarding ass kissing. I often think to myself, “He can kiss my ass.” And sometimes I say, “Kiss my ass!” But logistically, I don’t want anyone kissing my ass.

I wonder if he’s familiar with our Campaign? Something tells me he’d like it, albeit for different reasons than we do.


Tami said...

Love it!

girlon8wheels said...

Wow, I don't even know what I'd say to a guy if he said that to me. I'd probably just give him a dirty look and walk away.

I totally know the fat girl shorts shuffle! That's why I always wear biking shorts under my regular shorts.