Monday, September 29, 2008

Dr. Jekyll and Sleepy Hyde

I’ve always had problems getting up in the morning. Ever since I can remember having to get up for school, my mom or dad would be in my room after the 6th alarm had gone off, and with raised voices they would say, “You have to get up now! You have to go to school!” I’d never hear that same tone of voice from them at any other time in my life. Its intonation was threatening, scary, and demanding, yet, I still had problems getting up then, and I still do now.

It’s not that I didn’t want to go to school, and it’s not that I don’t want to go to work (okay, on some days I don’t want to go, but that’s not usually my motivation). Thing is, I’m not sure what my motivation is for oversleeping or staying in bed. There’s no physical reason I should be doing this. I get 8-9 hours of sleep per night, and I almost always sleep completely through the night.

Some days are better than others. If I know I have to catch a plane or attend a wedding or something like that, I can make myself get up at the 1st alarm, but if it’s a regular workday, I have a very difficult time.

I learned over time to place my alarm across my room, so I’d have to get up to hit snooze, but even that doesn’t work anymore, and all I have to show for those now failing attempts are a collage of bruises and scrapes on my shins from walking into furniture on my many morning trips to turn off snooze and once again set my alarm.

I thought it was unconscious. I thought I didn’t have control over it, but this morning showed me that I do have control, and my subconscious is sneaky. See, I’ve been out of personal days at work since July, and in general I’ve not had a problem getting to work. Sure, some days I’ll be 15 minutes late, but that’s actually really good for me. Today, however, I slept until 10am. I’m supposed to be at work at 8am. I did call in and leave a voicemail for my boss saying I’d be in by noon – that I was having stomach issues, which I have been, only my sleepy, conniving mind convinced me they were way more extreme and warranted me calling out of the first half of my work day. The real reason I did this? Today my personal days renew.

When I woke up at 10am, the self-loathing was abundant. I had been having dreams that I couldn’t meet two deadlines – one for derby and one for work, both of which need to be accomplished today. Not only did that devil inside of me convince me to call out until noon, just because I could, but the angel was giving me a guilt trip. Fuck!

Truth is, I hate this part of myself. It’s such a basic skill that nearly everyone can master but me – waking up on time so you can get to your job. What’s wrong with me?

I wish I knew what I needed to do to change this part of myself and my daily routine, because I don’t want to piss away my personal days this year just because I have them again. But what’s a girl to do? I guess I’ll just sleep on it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You might talk to your doctor about having a sleep study done. Most of us don't sleep nearly as soundly as we think. I have a friend who had the same problems you are describing and it turns out she wakes up an average of 400 times a night.