Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Greene Turtle: BWI (Baltimore), Terminal D

After having passed by this place last time I was in this terminal, only to go to the worst Irish bar in all of America, today I decided to give The Greene Turtle in Terminal D of BWI airport (Baltimore) a try.

With same d├ęcor as the typical Turtle, numbered mugs bought by regulars hung from the ceiling, I couldn’t help but wonder who would buy a mug (or be a regular) at an airport bar. After all, just to get in there, you have to pay to park, take a shuttle, and scale security – and all that for The Greene Fucking Turtle? I could only guess the people who bought the numbered mugs here at the airport were frequent fliers and pilots.

Okay, okay, so I couldn’t drop this as I sat there and drank, so I asked the bartender, Gina, who bought the mugs, and she said that the vast majority of mug owners were contractors working on a job at the airport. It finally made sense.

Quick fact: BWI has the largest parking garage on the east coast, and my baby helped build it six years ago. We refer to those days as the “skinny beef jerky days”. J would get to the job each day and have to climb one of the double helix ramps to whatever level he was working while wearing a 50-pound tool belt and carrying his lunchbox full of bottled waters and an additional bucket of larger tools, all the while only eating a bag of beef jerky for lunch. So hott (that’s right, with two ts).

In any event, I meant to check on the other side of the bar for a list of beers on tap (I was sitting off to the side). I didn’t get them all, but I do know they had draft Stella Artois, Budweiser Amber or whatever the hell they call it (hey, you can’t polish a turd), Sam Adams Boston Lager, Sam Adams Seasonal, Copperhead, and Miller Lite. When I heard they had Sam’s Seasonal, now the Winter Lager, I cut off my bartender and announced that that is what I would have. Call me simple, but I really like Sam Adams.

The beer glasses they serve tap beer in are shaped like pint glasses, except they seem significantly larger. How many ounces larger is unknown. I drank one and wound up talking to a bald guy who reminded me of Hank’s best friend, the agent, from the television show Californication, about how he’d been en route to Portland, Maine from Florida since 4:30am (it was 2pm currently). His first flight was cancelled, so they bought him $50-worth of screwdrivers, which only made him drunk and angry. And, wow, isn’t that weird that both he and I were going to Portland? Me Oregon and him Maine, but still? All this after he offered to buy me lunch because I gave him my menu. Needless to say, Lop-her got a little lopped from the big beer.

Thy typical Greene Turtle menu at the airport has been significantly scaled back, with this abridged version standing at a mere two pages worth of burgers, wings, salads, soup, and breakfast that ceases to be served at 11am. I had the menu in the first place because I wanted soup, but the only soup they had was crab, which disappointed me because I’m allergic to shellfish (and, yes, I’m from Maryland, I KNOW).

At this point in the bar review, I’m actually waiting with the other cattle to board my plane. Fuck. Screaming child in my boarding group. Buzz going quickly, being replaced by massive headache.

Seated now. Screaming child sitting in row in front of me. Double fuck.

In all, I’d hit up The Greene Turtle again if in terminal D. The place was clean, the staff were friendly, and the price was right – according to the bill, $7 for 22-ounces of Sam Seasonal. Now, if only they sold screaming-child repellant or a sharp stick to gouge out my eardrums with…


PENALTYna said...

haaha! I'm glad the Greene Turtle got a good review from Ms Lop-Her! My buddy & co-manager when I worked at La Palapas now manages there! Big latino football playin lookin dude named Elam;) although I'm pretty sure he usually works the night shift! I'll let him know the Greene Turtle has been officially Derby Approved!! WooHoo!

Anonymous said...

I would like to point out that last week on "Mythbusters" they determined that you can, in fact, polish a turd... and they did so. A light shine on an herbivore poo and a really hard-core shine on some lion dung.

However... no matter if you polish that turd or not, it's still gonna taste like a Budweiser :)