Monday, December 1, 2008

Hope Burns

I’ve been struggling to write anything derby-like on here lately, because I’m so frigging burnt. That, and it’s technically the first offseason I’ve had in close to 4 years, which means I’m entirely overdue to take advantage of it. This is what it must feel like to be one of those kids with rich yuppie parents who enroll them in way too many after-school activities. A slave to the soccer field…

Life could be worse, I know, and after asking myself repeatedly why I run myself ragged doing so much – and repeatedly finding the same answer I’m never satisfied with (“because I want to”) – I’ve realized in one bittersweet moment that 1) my answer IS acceptable, and 2) maybe life isn’t really conducive to doing what one wants to do after all.

I do what I want. In my spare time, I’m doing it, that is. As a kid I was always told to “find what you love and find a way to make a living doing it”, and just yesterday I heard this piece of advice given again. It’s something we hear all the time, yet no one ever does what the wise man says (unless your passion is bagging groceries or astrophysics). So why don’t we follow this advice? Because we’re stupid, or because we can’t?

It’s sad to think that at some point I’ll likely burn out and quit doing what I want to do and like to do, so I can only do something I don’t really care about in order to relax. People will say:

“There goes Cindy Lop-her. She quit derby right at her peak in order to dedicate more time to couch surfing and herding cats. So tragic. So sad.”

I was totally not going here when I sat down to write this blog entry – I was going to talk about my 30-year-old sagging skin and how any deep-moisturizing body lotion makes me break out into a rash, but that’s now a topic for another day. I always do this. I suppose being strapped for time, tired, cranky, and generally unsatisfied that my life cannot be 100% the way I would like it to be is just a common theme that’s bound to come out over and again in my writing. Poo.

I guess I can’t really get mad at myself or feel guilty for having poor time-management skills if I know exactly what I’m doing and I indeed want to do it. What’s to do? Give up? Hell, no. This girl’s still got some fight left in her. Besides, I refuse to believe I can’t eventually live my life 100% according to my desires – if I gave up now, I’d only ever make 75%.

I don’t know if the hope I have makes me ignorant or brilliant or just like everyone else at some time or another, but for now you’re going to have to put up with me still having it – hope. As for the sagging skin, the only think I’m hopeful there is a good plastic surgeon or enough spandex to hold it all in tight and upright. Shit.


ATP said...

"Have no fear of perfection you'll never reach it"
Salvador Dali

I'm over trying to be perfect!!!

learn to accept that your YOU! warts and all, yes we all have weaknesses but on the other hand we all have strengths! just don't be so focused on the down side, accept that there are things in this world beyond your control(for whatever reason.
Surround yourself with whatever it is that makes you feel good about you, the you as you are rite NOW, not that you that's supposed to be perfect, cuz that only leads to disapointment!

As for the saggy skin try 32 on for size!! theres a great ointment here in australia "lucas' papaw ointment" this stuffs magic!!

Lee aka Rebel said...

awww, it happens to everyone. only idiots don't compromise, and everyone gets burnt out once in a while.

miss the regime, will be back for xmas. can we get together for cookies and cocoa or something?

ps. you have great skin.