Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Polish Kids with Solar-Powered Flashlights

I promised myself I’d write each day here in New England while on vacation, and I actually had today’s entry more than half written when something weird happened: we got called via Skype by these 15-year-old stoner boys from Poland who are learning to speak English. No joke, it was funny as HELL!

The kids were getting stoned, and we only found out half-way through the conversation why they chose to call us. They play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, and the main character’s name is Carl Johnson. The person whose house we’re staying at is named Carl Johnson. These kids somehow looked up his name and called him here in America, and we all happened to be sitting around – me with my computer, I had to write down what they were saying.

The following is a transcript of our very broken conversation with the Polish kids. We talked to three of them: Mario, Latve, and Latve’s brother whose name we didn’t ask. It was a very “broken” conversation, but I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed participating in this. The words in quotes are theirs, the ones not in quotes are ours. I must warn you, there’s a word in here I never use, but it’s essential to the conversation, because these kids learn English from American rap:


“I want to start English. Are you my Nigger? I smoke weed.”
“I can’t beat war.”
“You go to family? You are a nigger, no? Do you listen to rap?”
What rap?
“Tupac and 50 Cent?”
“I speak with white hoe?”
“I sing.”

(He played us a rap song from Poland)
We like rap. We like a new kind of rap, C Rap – Crap.
“Crap is good”
“I speak English with every people in rap machine.”
“You’re smiling?” (this means he hears us laughing and is getting a kick out of it)

“You play San Andreas? Every day I play this – San Andreas.”
No. Oh, Carl Johnson!
“Yes, Carl Johnson!”
Is this why you called us?
“Carl Johnson, yes! Are you a nigger?”

“On the ground I play too.”
“Yes, I like rit games”
“I play internet”
(we’re laughing our asses off)
“Why are you smiling?”
“I can speak English.”
Corva blache (which we think means “fucking asshole” in polish)
“What is this?! “I’m from Polish.”

(They pass the phone on)


“What’s up, man? I do speak English!”
Who’s your favorite rapper?
“Don’t leave.”
“What’s up?”
What’s up with you?
“I smoke – ahhhh, good weed. Good, shit!”

“What’s your favorite singer”
Cat Stevens
“Who’s this?”
And Jimmie Page
“Ah, I know Jimmie Page! Led Zepp-e-lin. I know this guy. Good.”
John Hooker too…
“Yo, man! What is this ‘Yo, motherfucker, yo’? mean?”

Do you speak Russian? (some people in the room speak Russian, which is why we asked)
“Russian, NO! NO! Russia’s a shit country! Which American people were… I don’t like shiny people, Russian people. Poland is the best.”
Yes, the Russians did fuck you, didn’t they? Poland is the best.
“The best!”

“Do you have family? Big smiles? Sister, brother?”
“I got brother.”
“3 cat, 3 cat, 3 cat, 1 dog. And a mouse. My cat smoke weed.”
Your cat smokes weed???
“My cat can sing”
Does your cat sing rap?
“Yes, he sings rap. Do you have a cat?”
No. Just a dog.
“Do you have presents surprise? Surprise presents? Christmas! Christmas!”
Yes, we have presents for Christmas.
“Merry Christmas. It was nice to meet you.”

“What is your programmers on computer? Processor? Processor? I smoke weed. What program is you got, Windows?”
A Mac. Unix.
“PC I got – yeah, Windows. You smoke weed?”
Everybody smokes weed.

“How are you?”
I’m fine, how are you?
“Yes, I’m fine”
Do you learn English in school.
“Yes, I got a 1 (laughs). Wait a minute.”
(from background) “Smoke Weed… Good shit!”

What do you smoke weed from, a bong?
“What is this, bong?”
What do you drink?
“Coca Cola! What do you drink?”
Vodka. Scotch. Wiskey.
“Beer is very good. Heineken draft keg? Bud-nigger?”
“Bud-visor? Heineken draft keg!”
Samual Adams.
“Who is this, Samual Adams? Friend?”
It’s a beer.
“Oh, my brother says to you…”

Latve’s brother:

“Hello, I think which white hoe? “Some niggars are there”
No niggers, Carl tells them.
(We then argue with Carl, who is mighty white, telling him that the kid is asking if his friends (niggers) are there, and yes, we are. But isn’t that derogatory, Carl asked us. No, I said. They only know English from rap – we are your niggers.)
Yes, my niggers are here.

Do you like Peter Tosh?
“He do it in trousers!”
Trousers? What in trousers?
You’re smoking weed!

“Yes, I’m smoking weed every day!”
We can tell.
“I don’t give a fuck!”

(he plays us a Tupac song)
What’s that?
“Recent Tupac!”
Tupac is dead.
“I know, I know…”

“What is your favorite color?”
“Ah, purple, purple, purple!”

“This sweet telephone. Number.”
No. What?!

“Do you listen to Helmet? What is tell?”
I don’t understand.
“Do you speak English?”

“Wait minutes! Wait minutes!” (flipping through some Polish to English book)

“I hear you, what’s up? What’s up, man? What’s your name, man, what’s up?”
Jackle. Where are the bitches?
(pauses to look up word, and this next part makes me wonder what book he was using…)
“Bitch in the club.”

“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!”
Are you OK?
You shouldn’t use that word.
“What is this motherfucker, yo?”
“Who the fuck are are? Fuck. Fuck.”
Oh, I’m fucking fine, how the fuck are you?
People learning English from rap songs, that’s bad.

Are you guys still there?
Are you busy smoking weed?
“Friends? Friends? You got the friends?”
Yes, they’re here.

You got the hoes there?
Have you got the hoes there, or is it a sausage party?
“Uh, party, party, sausage. Sausage.”
Where’s the women?
“No women” (they sounded sad)

You like the rap? Yo, yo motherfucker, yo?
“Yo, yo, motherfucker, yo! YES!”

“You know this songs?”
I can’t hear it.
I can’t hear the music.
(plays music)
I can’t hear it well. Who is it?
“This is Mother. Called Mother.”

(I then got on the phone and asked them if they like big booty. They didn’t know what booty was. Big asses, I said.)
“Oh, big asses! Yes!”
I then played Bangers and Cash B-O-O-T-Y, and they were screaming at me to stop.
“I don’t want to listen to this no more! No more! No more!”
OK, OK, I’ll pass this off to my friend, hold on.

Do you have bling?
Are you dripping with gold and ice?
“GOLD! Yes!”
How much?
“100 dollar”
You must be rich. Do you live with your parents?
“Parents? Yes!”
You should make $ and move out so you can have bitches.
“Ah, yes, bitches.”

(They play us more Tupac.)

Tupac is shit! Tupac sucks my ass!
“Why? Yes, I understand. I understand.” (sounds sad again)

“I have a Porsche Carerra”
“I am fucking rich!”
You are bullshitting me!
“No bullshit! This is true! True!”
You smoke too much weed!

“Christmas! Do you have Christmas tree?”
I have a plastic tree with little lights on it.
“Do you listen to Santa Clause?”
Yes, we have Santa Clause. Do you have Santa in Poland?
Big fat guy in a white beard?
“I don’t know what is…”
Red suit…
“Shit, nigger, white!”
“So, so, so so, what’s up?”

“I drink tea”
Yeah? We’re gonna drink scotch and beer and get fucked up tonight.
“Fucked up! You go to club?”
No, club’s for pussies.
“Oh, what you do for New Year?”
Same thing, drink whiskey, get fucked up. My girl says we don’t need the club, the white hoe is here. (I’m referring to myself here)

“What the fuck, motherfuckers! Fuck, my ladies, fuck my ladies…”
Slim Shadey?
“Slim Shadey, yes!”
Eminem is shit.
“NO! Eminem is the best, the best! He and Tupac!”
No, he sucks.
Bob Marley is better than Tupac.
“Tupac is the best. Bob Marley smoke weed all day.”
Bob Marley is awesome.
“Ass some?”
No, awesome. Asshole, you are the asshole?

“We speak tomorrow. Goodbye! Goodbye!”

(And they hung up.)

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