Monday, June 22, 2009

Facebook Makes My Soul Weep

Among the many reasons why Facebook is killing my soul is the fact that I rarely have time to post entries here anymore. I’ve become addicted to the instant gratification I get by posting a million 25-words-or-less “updates” per day via my phone. I’ve come to feel that by the time I sit down to write something, I’ve already said it all. Yet, I’ve in fact said nothing. Curse you, Facebook, and the false sense of socialization you provide for me! Today is the day I do what I should have done weeks ago – I’m removing the app from my phone, and I’m done with Facebook for the week.

There was just a slight twinge of panic when I deleted the app, similar to the panic I felt last year when I took my last Vicoden for the second shoulder injury. I shouldn’t have felt that way about prescription drugs, and I shouldn’t feel that way about living without Facebook either. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I knew things were coming to this last week while toilet surfing – I almost posted exactly what I was doing, as if telling the world I was making Mr. Hankeys was somehow acceptable now. Thank dog, I held myself back. Then yesterday I got a glimpse of the derby attitude I had before the massive Facebook obsession took its hold on me. I was blogging more, so I was more focused on derby. I knew where I stood and where I wanted to go, and I felt good about it! Lately, though, the lack of blogging has made me sad and confused. I guess I need to “get it out” so I can understand whatever “it” is that’s bothering me. And, well, you know me – I’m extremely long winded, so it’s completely understandable that I cannot accomplish a similar discussion with myself via a fucking Facebook update… While on the toilet (?!). I’ve boiled down everything important in my life to 1 to 2 sentences. Well, here’s 1 to 2 sentences: “Cindy’s taking her life back. Fuck you, Facebook.”

So much has gone on since I last blogged. I’ve noticed in myself a deep dip into self-doubt – similar to the negative self talk I use to have with myself back when I would choke doing anything derby-playing related. I’m a mental player, and I need my mind to be clear when I go into a game. I need to relearn how to focus, and I need to practice getting myself out of that place while in the midst of a game. This was the sole focus of my therapy session last week.

This past weekend made me proud to be a Charm City All Star – I wasn’t one of the 14 rostered to skate against Texas, but I’m super proud of my girls for bringing it and creating a point spread of 8 measly points, even though they lost.

This weekend is ECE in Philly, and I’ll be playing in our game against Detroit on Saturday, which is unfortunately almost entirely overlapping with the headlining Philly/Rat City game. Two weeks later I’m headed to Kansas City to play against them, so I’m hoping to be able to catch some of their games this weekend at ECE.

This coming week leading to ECE is a busy one, with practice tonight and tomorrow night and a butt-crack-of-dawn flight on Wednesday to Miami for two days with my mom. I think the mini-vacation will be good for my state of mind – that, and not being on Facebook while I’m there. I look forward to running on the beach (or in the spa on a treadmill because I’m not sure how to get sand out of my good running shoes and I don’t want to ruin them). I also look forward to good food and relaxation. Ahhh, it feels good to be back on track with my life. Maybe I’ll even bring my laptop so I can write while I’m there.