Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Real Email, Real Life (to my All Stars)


If you can read no further, this email is to let you know I must work tonight instead of coming to practice. If you can read further, the rest of this email is a look into my imperfect mind, and will possibly be repurposed for part of a blog (my words, not yours).

This week has taken a turn for the bizarre and busy. I had a pipe burst in our basement Monday evening, which is why I wasn't at practice. Home Depot occupied my night instead.

Today, I'm out of my mind busy at work. We have 12 business days left to finish testing code and writing support materials for this online management system that's going live on 8/17, and I'm the Project Manager :( I just had to do a total overhaul of a 1-page quick reference guide that I thought would take me 30 minutes but has instead taken me all damn day. And I have a 60-page tutorial to review and edit next... I won't be there tonight. I know I NEED to be there, but I can't be.

I won't have any problems making my attendance for Philly and Windy City, but I also want to play to the best of my ability and become a better player and teammate overall, so I torture myself for not having perfect attendance. Also, I hate to miss a Sunday (even though it was planned), a Monday, and a Wednesday all in a row (makes my guilt worse).

However, I had my therapy appointment today and this was the topic of discussion. I need to be less hard on myself for things that are out of my control or take priority over other things in my life (aka, work today). I feel like answering to you guys is more important than answering to anyone else, and it makes me the most anxious because in actuality work and home have to come before derby. I know we all struggle with this, and we choose different things: we may choose derby and feel the guilt for not choosing other areas or we may choose work or home and feel the guilt for not choosing derby. Either way, life is unpredictable and it's pretty much guaranteed things won't go as planned for any of us on any given day. Some days it's the practicality of not having enough time to do everything that needs to be done (or that you had planned to do or want to do), while other days you could cram everything in, even with a monkey wrench thrown in, but that would mean you would have no time at all for yourself, and let's face it, that doesn't work all the time either because everyone needs some time at least every once in a while for herself.

My therapist asked if there was anything I could give up or cut back on. I told her about the OSDA, but I also told her how I'm not yet ready to stop competing at the level at which our league competes, and although derby requires a great amount of my time, it also provides a great reward (many rewards, actually) that I still find totally worth the sacrifice.

It's especially hard to balance life outside derby with derby when you're trying so hard to improve and you're fighting each month for a spot on that game roster. The intent is there, but often the actions to back it up can't be. Scratch that, they CAN be, but you would totally sacrifice your health - mental and/or physical - and eventually that will catch up with you and force you slow down. I want to be an amazing and valuable player and teammate, but I know deep down that I can't truly do that if my life isn't balanced, so this is my way of saying that I'm going to try my hardest from now on not to be so hard on myself when it comes to life getting in the way of derby. When I am with you all, when I am at practice, I can guarantee that I will do everything I can to give it my all, to challenge myself, and to become that player and teammate I want so badly to be.

In other news, I do plan on attending practice tomorrow, and after nearly a week off skates I'm gonna be hurtin. Holly, please kick my ass, but also be nice to me if I cry from the pain.

Since I took a 30-minute detour to write this long-ass email, I'm just going to repost it in its entirety as today's blog entry. In case you couldn't tell, I really do love you guys, so thanks for reading my rant in the off chance you've made it this far (which you might actually have, since Reckless has been asleep all day and unable to send any equally-long but thoughtful emails).



PS: I love you, Reckless!


PENALTYna said...

Luving YOU Chica!!!

shining star said...

All the best Chica =]