Friday, December 3, 2010

Waiting Room

This morning I lamented on Twitter about some frustrations I’m having regarding my job: “I'm in the position now where I'm stuck managing the urgent, but I also have an urgent desire to move forward w/other things and I can't”. And it was only after I posted that tweet that I realized the way I feel about my job mimics how I feel about the happenings in the rest of my life as well.

At work I’m stuck beta testing and managing the new release of an online application that has taken so long to develop and launch that my team and I are already over it, yet no matter how hard we try we simply can’t do anything to push this release out the door any quicker.

Outside of work, I’m anxious to get back to derby, and this morning I got a text from our All Star captain about some discounted personal trainings she’d scored. While I really could stand to lug my “bowl full of jelly” to these workouts, I can’t just jump right back into derby at this point in time either because I’m dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that is a terminally ill relative. On top of that, I’m stuck in the vortex of sadness that is the winter holidays. Three years ago at this time, I lost my mind and I didn’t know why. Last year at this time, I began to lose my mind and it was then brought to my attention that this may be a pattern. This year, I know full well what to expect, but in a way it doesn’t make it any easier. While I secretly long for the magic that was Christmas for me for so many years, I can’t help but feel apathetic and sad – like the best of times are behind me – because I’ve come to realize that this time of year will always symbolize wanting and loss, and I can’t ignore the reasons behind those feelings now that I know they are there.

As an aside: I’m having a real hard time with the holidays this year. Maybe it’s the incessant news coverage of “people spending money” and “good retail outlook”, or maybe I’ve just had another layer of the veil peel away, enabling me to see things as they truly are, but I hate that the holidays are about little more than fattening the wallets of retailers and buying people shit they don’t really want or need that will eventually fill landfills. Even the people who usually seem to have it right are talking out both sides of their mouth: Live life consciously and sustainably, but BUY ALL THIS CERTIFIED ORGANIC SHIT PACKAGED IN THE RECYCLED SMILES OF CHILDREN FROM 3RD WORLD COUNTRIES THAT WE’VE OBTAINED VIA FREE TRADE AGREEMENTS!!! If I had my druthers, I’d plan a holiday season filled with thoughtful, meaningful, and sustainable useful presents and actions, but since I seem to have misplaced my druthers, I’ll note this on my To Do list for Christmas 2011 and simply fly by the seat of my pants this year.

Back to being stuck in the urgent but urgently wanting to move on… There seem to be instances in life where by no fault of our own we’re condemned to some sort of personal purgatory, be it our jobs, our relationships, our family, or our something else entirely, and although it may be a hard pill to swallow in our faster, bigger, more society, sometimes there’s absolutely nothing we can do but ride out the wave of shit and try not to get splashed in the process. I get frustrated when I can’t make things happen, but I’ll be honest: I’m tired. I’m real fucking tired. I’ve been struggling against the inevitable, because it’s in my nature, but the more I struggle, the more shit splashes into my boat. I’m tired of being covered in shit, so until things run their natural course, all I can do is sit calmly and try not to freak out that I’m surrounded by shit.

Again, if I had my druthers, maybe while I’m sitting here floating up shit’s creek I could do something useful like meditate or exercise or work on myself in another productive way, but I’ve misplaced my druthers. If you see them, please send them my way. I miss them dearly. Joking aside, life is never all or nothing or black and white – in fact, it’s some of this, some of that, and a whole shitload of gray. When we’re in these personal purgatories, (in my mind, at least) there should be an understanding that shit happens and we should take it easy on ourselves until these things pass. If that means putting the other things you really want out of life on hold for a bit (and it usually does), fuck it. If there ever were a time to put things on hold, it’s now. I see other people around me blaming themselves for not being able to carry on like normal or do anything during these very difficult times, and it makes me sad because I see them making things worse for  themselves when they really were never to blame in the first place. 

I suppose I should take a bit of my own advice and just relax. As badly as I want to get to the next stage at work and at home I need to know although I can’t make it happen just now, when it can happen everything will be there waiting for me (including those in-addition-to-derby personal training sessions to get rid of my bowl full of jelly). Patience is a virtue. Maybe I’ll become a tad more virtuous this go around. Hey, a girl can dream J


Anna said...

I just try to remind myself of all the stuff I've waited and waited and waited for in the past that eventually were able to happen. Waiting for those didn't kill me, and it won't kill me now to wait for others.

Wannabe Derby Girl said...

This is a well reasoned, thoughtful post. I feel for you, and understand exactly where you are at this point. I can't tell you how much we have in common right now.
As for Christmas being so commercial, you are a very crafty and gifted person. Do what I am doing, make your gifts. Thoughtful gifts are easier when you make them with your own hands. I know your time is limited, but it is worth it.
Chin up Lop-her! You have the strength to get through the dark times and see the spring!

Auntie MonkeyButt said...

I am a new subscriber...came on because of you discussion on wheels. Then I read this, and I know why I really happened upon your spot. It's as if I wrote this myself. I definitely feel for you, unfortunately because I'm in the same spot. And find myself in this hole every year as well. It's rough...and only seems to get rougher with each passing year. Something's gotta give! I have faith that it will. Just lack in the patience to wait for it. It will happen for you too! Hang in there, derby sister... =)

Lots of thoughts and derby luv...

Em said...

I have a friend who usually hates Christmas. She's vego so she doesn't like the big lunch and her family fights so she doesn't like the big catch up. This year she told her family well ahead of time that she wouldn't be buying for them as she was adopting a family instead. She went through a charity and 'adopted' a single mum and her kid to buy for (you just get the demographic profile, no actual information). She was so excited to provide good quality presents for people who really need them. Then she took a volunteering day from work and spent a day handing out food hampers. She said it was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. Anyway, long story long, she stopped focussing on herself and how much Christmas sucks for her and has actually ended up loving this Christmas season :)